Advertisement
Introduction
I love nothing more than helping women reconnect with their bodies, their pleasure, and their power. But there’s one topic that continues to surface in hushed tones, often accompanied by confusion, shame, or disbelief: stealthing.
Stealthing is the non-consensual removal of a condom during sex. It’s not a misunderstanding, it’s not a “grey area.” It’s a violation. And yes — it’s sexual assault.
In Australia, stealthing is now criminalised in several states, including Queensland, Victoria, New South Wales, South Australia, Tasmania, and the ACT. Yet many women aged 35–60 still don’t know what stealthing is, how to identify it, or what to do if it happens. That’s why I’m writing this piece — not just to inform, but to empower.
Stealthing undermines the very foundation of consent. It’s a betrayal of trust, a breach of bodily autonomy, and a form of reproductive coercion. And while the term itself may sound clinical or even innocuous, the emotional and physical consequences are anything but.
My Expert Insight
Over the last couple of years, I have noticed a pattern. Women would describe experiences that felt “off,” but they couldn’t quite name the violation. One woman told me, “I said yes to sex with a condom. He took it off halfway through. I didn’t know until after.”
That’s stealthing.
Consent is not a one-time checkbox. It’s an ongoing, enthusiastic agreement. If someone changes the terms — like removing a condom without telling you — they’ve broken that agreement.
I help women understand that their instincts matter. If something feels wrong, it probably is. And if someone disregards your boundaries, it’s not your fault.
Stealthing is often rooted in misogyny and entitlement. Some perpetrators believe their pleasure outweighs your safety. Others use stealthing as a form of control — to increase the risk of pregnancy or STI transmission, or to assert dominance.
I’ve seen the emotional fallout firsthand: anxiety, shame, confusion, and even PTSD. Many women internalise the trauma, wondering if they were “too trusting” or “not clear enough.” But let me be unequivocal — the fault lies entirely with the perpetrator.
Breaking Taboos and Reclaiming Pleasure
Let’s be honest: society has conditioned women to downplay their discomfort, especially in sexual situations. We’re taught to be “easygoing,” to avoid confrontation, to question our own reactions.
But stealthing thrives in silence. And silence is the enemy of healing.
I encourage women to reclaim their pleasure, not just physically, but emotionally. That means exploring your body on your own terms. It means using adult toys, sensual rituals, and mindful self-touch to reconnect with yourself.
Pleasure is not a luxury. It’s a birthright. And when we embrace it, we reclaim our power.
Here are a few ways to begin that journey:
- Solo exploration: Use vibrators, wands, or massage oils to discover what feels good without pressure or performance.
- Sensual rituals: Create a space that feels safe and indulgent — candles, music, soft textures — and give yourself permission to enjoy.
- Body affirmation: Stand in front of a mirror and speak kindly to your body. Touch it with curiosity, not criticism.
These practices aren’t just about sex — they’re about self-love, self-trust, and self-respect.
10 Must-Know Sex Tips for Women Ready to Explore Their Own Bodies
Practical Tips and Tools
Empowerment begins with education and action. Here’s what I share with my clients — and what I want every woman to know:
- Know your rights: Stealthing is illegal in many Australian states. You have the right to report it.
- Use barrier methods you control: Internal condoms and female condoms offer more autonomy.
- Communicate clearly: Say things like “I only consent with a condom” or “Let’s check together.”
- Aftercare matters: If stealthing occurs, seek STI testing, emergency contraception, and emotional support.
If you suspect you’ve been stealthed, here’s what to do:
- Get tested: Visit a clinic for STI screening and discuss post-exposure prophylaxis (PEP) if HIV exposure is possible.
- Emergency contraception: Take within 72–120 hours to reduce pregnancy risk. Options include Plan B, ella, or a copper IUD.
- Document the incident: Write down what happened, including dates and details. This can help if you choose to report it later.
- Seek support: Call 1800RESPECT or Women’s Legal Services for confidential help. You are not alone.
Real Talk: Stories, Scenarios & Reflections
Let me share a story that still sits with me.
A client, let’s call her Elise, came to me after a date that ended in confusion. She’d agreed to sex with a condom. Midway through, she realised it was gone. When she confronted him, he said, “It slipped off.”
But Elise knew better. She felt violated, ashamed, and unsure if it “counted.”
I told her what I’ll tell you: It absolutely counts.
Stealthing is not just a physical act — it’s a betrayal. It undermines trust, autonomy, and safety. And it’s okay to feel angry, hurt, or confused.
Another woman, Mia, shared her story anonymously. She wrote, “I didn’t feel the condom anymore. I asked him, and he laughed. I froze. I didn’t know what to do.”
That freeze response is common. It’s a trauma reaction. And it doesn’t mean you consented.
Reader reflections can be powerful. I encourage you to share your experiences — anonymously if you prefer. Your voice matters. Your story matters. And together, we can break the silence.
Get condoms here at Adultshop.
Legal Landscape and Cultural Shifts
The legal recognition of stealthing as rape is a monumental shift. In Queensland, the new affirmative consent laws explicitly criminalise stealthing. This aligns with reforms in Victoria, NSW, South Australia, Tasmania, and the ACT.
Affirmative consent means that consent must be actively given, not assumed. It must be enthusiastic, informed, and ongoing.
This shift matters. It sends a clear message: Your boundaries are valid. Your safety is non-negotiable.
But laws alone aren’t enough. We need cultural change, we need better sex education, especially around consent. We need to dismantle the myth that condoms “ruin the mood” or that women should be grateful for any sexual attention.
Stealthing is not about sex. It’s about power. And it’s time we called it what it is — abuse.
Conclusion – Stealthing
Stealthing is a wake-up call — not just for legal systems, but for how we talk about sex, consent, and power.
As a sexologist, I believe every woman deserves sex that’s safe, consensual, and satisfying. Anything less isn’t just disappointing — it’s unacceptable.
So here’s my invitation:
- Talk about it.
- Learn about it.
- Share this editorial.
Because when we name the violation, we begin to heal. And when we reclaim our pleasure, we reclaim ourselves.
You are not alone. You are not to blame. And you are worthy of respect, safety, and joy — every single time.
